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Furry Frightens FOX Folks: Police Plug Paranoid Panda Pedestrian

17 thoughts on “Furry Frightens FOX Folks: Police Plug Paranoid Panda Pedestrian

  1. An investigation revealed that the red flotation device he wore underneath his jumpsuit was made of up of chocolate bars connected by wires with a motherboard, Smith said.

    "It does not appear the device was capable of actual explosions," Smith said.

    Um, has Mr. Smith never heard of explosions of chocolatey flavor?

  2. Police were investigating why the man, whom they did not identify, went to the FOX 45 television studios on 41st Street in Woodberry.

    He was demanding to know what happened to Moany the Sea Monster.

    Oh, wait, he was only 25? Nevermind.

    1. His dad is all over the news today (with the requisite "he was such a nice quiet boy", etc) and his story is as depressing as you'd expect.

      Dad's had custody since he's been a kid, he's been fighting depression for years, had some sort of psychotic break recently, was positive the world will end on June 3rd and God spoke to him and told him to get his message out. And as we know, when God tells you to take a flash drive to the TV station and demand it goes on the air you damned well better do it. No word whether God suggested the panda costume or the fake suicide vest.

      Of course, this ends just like all the other encounters with publicly crazy people do: with him getting shot by the police. You know, if you get hurt or physically sick in public, people call the EMT's. If you get mentally sick, people call SWAT.
      It's the way it is here these days.

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