Cat 1
Reviewed Behavior: Peeing
Acceptable Performance Standard: Peeing only in litter box or outside
Actual Performance: Peeing everywhere except box. Prodigiously.
Discussion Points: Please for the love of god pee in your goddamn box.
Positive Mitigation: You're adorable and fluffy and cuddly so I forgive you.
Cat 2
Reviewed Behavior: Ninja-attacking Cat 1
Acceptable Performance Standard: Not ninja-attacking Cat 1
Actual Performance: Ninja-attacking Cat 1. Constantly.
Discussion Points: Please stop attacking her, for chissakes. It stresses her out and then she pees everywhere.
Positive Mitigation: You're adorable and fluffy and cuddly so it's OK but please at least try.
Cat 3
Reviewed Behavior: Demanding to go out at 3 a.m.
Acceptable Performance Standard: Graciously letting me sleep until a decent hour
Actual Performance: Demanding to go out at 3 a.m. Every goddamn night and if I don't comply, peeing and pooping all over my stuff.
Discussion Points: Please have mercy and sleep all night, for fucks sake, and if you can't, at least just use your litter box. When you are outside Cat 2 misses you, then gets anxious and ninja-attacks Cat 1.
Positive Mitigation: You're adorable and fluffy and bring me dead things so it's OK but I'd really like to sleep all night for once. Just once.
(insanely adorable furry sociopath)
Really, Jake adores Tom Brady and every football season sucks with him on the couch. He would never root for an underdog. Sometimes I really don't understand him.
This is from The Onion! I clipped this from the print version in 2005 or so and had it pinned on my cubicle at my sad office job back then. The caption was something like: "General: The war on string may be unwinnable."
Effectiveness would depend on how their mission is defined.
The Mil-u-wah-kayh version, technically. I think they had a Chicago print version as well. I still have copies of the last Madison print version declaring print dead at 1,803. One could be yours for the low, low price of $6,000, once I find them.
I meant to post this when I saw it a few days ago. I knew it would be well-received by Wonkvillians. Good thing Lot is way more on top of stuff than me and my faulty organizational skills.
And Close, thanks for the template. I will use for my brood.
Oops: this is the linky to the article:
https://hackernoon.com/a-guide-to-giving-your-cat…
Sorry to be so needy, mods, but that should go in the linky blanky.
My fault, I should have caught it and changed it myself when I got to it in there the first time.
Cat 1
Reviewed Behavior: Peeing
Acceptable Performance Standard: Peeing only in litter box or outside
Actual Performance: Peeing everywhere except box. Prodigiously.
Discussion Points: Please for the love of god pee in your goddamn box.
Positive Mitigation: You're adorable and fluffy and cuddly so I forgive you.
Cat 2
Reviewed Behavior: Ninja-attacking Cat 1
Acceptable Performance Standard: Not ninja-attacking Cat 1
Actual Performance: Ninja-attacking Cat 1. Constantly.
Discussion Points: Please stop attacking her, for chissakes. It stresses her out and then she pees everywhere.
Positive Mitigation: You're adorable and fluffy and cuddly so it's OK but please at least try.
Cat 3
Reviewed Behavior: Demanding to go out at 3 a.m.
Acceptable Performance Standard: Graciously letting me sleep until a decent hour
Actual Performance: Demanding to go out at 3 a.m. Every goddamn night and if I don't comply, peeing and pooping all over my stuff.
Discussion Points: Please have mercy and sleep all night, for fucks sake, and if you can't, at least just use your litter box. When you are outside Cat 2 misses you, then gets anxious and ninja-attacks Cat 1.
Positive Mitigation: You're adorable and fluffy and bring me dead things so it's OK but I'd really like to sleep all night for once. Just once.
This comment probably makes you more qualified for president than Donald Trump just by itself.
Thank you! I'm flattered! Although to be fair being more qualified for president than Donald Trump is a pretty easy bar.
But you did it with just a comment about cats!
OMG! I am so putting this on my resume.
It won't fit in a tweet, so NOT!
140 Characters- Trumps administration or his tweet limit?
..affectedly grand or important; pompous..
(insanely adorable furry sociopath)
Really, Jake adores Tom Brady and every football season sucks with him on the couch. He would never root for an underdog. Sometimes I really don't understand him.
"Not a team player. Does not work well with others."
"Takes extensive cat naps on work time."
Poor Meowetrics
"Inappropriate pussy-grabbing in the workplace."
"Fondness, bordering on obsession, with can-opener"
"Violated computer use policy"
http://www.bitboost.com/pawsense/
Haha. "Playing with mouse on the job."
"Leaving half-eaten food in the fridge."
<img src="http://www.bradleyfarless.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/lizard20tail2021.jpg?w=300" width="276" height="222" />
"Does not work."
<img src="http://i.onionstatic.com/onion/7808/original/480.jpg">
This is from The Onion! I clipped this from the print version in 2005 or so and had it pinned on my cubicle at my sad office job back then. The caption was something like: "General: The war on string may be unwinnable."
Indeed, a real quagmire. But Gen Bonkers would be an intimidating performance appraiser.
The original Madison Onion?
In the military, they have "effectiveness reports." Hard to imagine cats being effective.
Effectiveness would depend on how their mission is defined.
The Mil-u-wah-kayh version, technically. I think they had a Chicago print version as well. I still have copies of the last Madison print version declaring print dead at 1,803. One could be yours for the low, low price of $6,000, once I find them.
Dork.
I meant to post this when I saw it a few days ago. I knew it would be well-received by Wonkvillians. Good thing Lot is way more on top of stuff than me and my faulty organizational skills.
And Close, thanks for the template. I will use for my brood.
The challenging part is developing an effective performance improvement plan.
<img src="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS_l-cY2Jzv5fVSv9nyJGZs-7g5PpVzwnULDK4ZVAnw6sStgG8WvQ" />
wow, that pic could pass for my two when they were younger
Remembering to cross your T's, or giving tummy-rubs to your direct superior?
<img src="http://www.cutecatgifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/counter.gif" />
I note that at the end he just appears to go back to sleep.
lowest energy position is most stable
Purrtential well.
well played, sir
Schödinger's Cat would tunnel back up.
Purr-sonel department
Terminated kat sez:
<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/jamest52/fukkitkat_zps6hlslmcm.gif"</img>
(((((you're in my space!))))) Fuck It Cat is Best Cat.
Well I've posted that gif here a time or two as well.
Probably where I got it. I ain't proud.
We were all Fuck It Cat at one time or another in our 9 goddamn lives, I'm sure..
Tell them I'll call back shortly. I need to finish calculating this cost-of-kibbling increase.
It's a job killer.
..a job kiBBler. (I know, BOO!)
we're going to have to have cmdr SPANK you