five statements — displayed in black and white — will include a preamble noting that a federal court has ordered cigarette companies to make certain statements about things

I've got some better ones:

Smoking will cause you to die before you get to see the election of the first black president

Smoking will kill you before you can watch your kids graduate

Smoking will consume the money that you could use towards retirement so that you can travel the world rather than work until the final weeks of your life

…call me, federal court, I've got more where those come from!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!